I have been feeling somewhat blue in the past few days. We have had another snowstorm and school was cancelled yesterday and today. The temp is below zero and here I am in my bathrobe at the dining room table typing this post. Peanut butter dog treats are in the oven (we ran out last night). I am warm, I have clothes, food and shelter - yet I have this feeling deep down in which I wonder if I am going to make it or not living on one income and being at home.
This feeling is temporary - perhaps it is hormonal. My DH's job has been stressful and frankly if given another job opportunity he would leave. We lost 1/3 of our income last year when I became unemployed and now I am wondering if I should have accepted a couple of the job offers that came my way last summer? The job market is totally dried up now and I should not spend time second guessing my decision to stay home.
I never felt much financial stress when I was working as my income was the cushion income in case something happened. Tuesday of this week I was in the upstairs of our home and the sunshine was spilling through the windows brightening our bedroom. I looked up and I thought I noticed some "old" moisture spots and a small crack in the gabled ceiling. We know our roof is going to need to be replaced in the next couple of years but now I was thinking - oh no, it is going to need to be replaced this year. This sent me into a little bit of a spiral. Add to this that my DH's job is not going well, and I got one big case of the doubts - perhaps a pity party is a better way to describe it.
I don't believe that being home full time for 5 months is enough time to actually determine if this is what I want to do long term. Too many decisions are made during an emotional time and I know that deep down I want to keep trying.
This morning on the "Today Show" on NBC they interviewed Gretchen Rubin who wrote "The Happiness Project." As I was listening to the interview I understood the epiphany she had experienced regarding her life and the changes she wanted to make. I had such an epiphany in September 2008 and that was that my life was too hectic. I owned an old house that I wanted to restore and never had time to get anything done due to work. My youngest DS was going to college in a few years (now 18 months away) and there were many things I had left to teach him and to just enjoy being with him.
When I lost my job and had a couple of job offers I saw that I did have two roads to choose at that time. Who was turning down job offers last summer? People were unemployed and many were desperately seeking a job. But I decided that instead of continuing the way I was continuing I would take a road that was being less travelled at this time. I had a choice and I chose to stay home.
No one has a perfect, happy life. Stuff happens - snow storms, loss of income, health problems, stress and such but we do choose what to do with these situations. My question to myself today is this: am I going to let circumstances in life steal my joy? Or am I going to accept that life does hand you lemons, move on and keep working at what I find that I really do best - being home and becoming a homemaker. I have been given a great opportunity to be home. If I were to be offered a job today and accept it I would always wonder what would have happened if I would have given myself more time.
I can't control how my DH's boss treats him. I can't control the economy. I can't control the fact that our roof has reached the end of it's life. I can't control the majority of things that happen in my life but I can control how I react or don't react to these circumstances. I can continue to watch the pennies, nickles and dimes and save up the money we will need for a new roof.
It is true what they say - that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I am making a conscious decision today to be happy and be grateful. I have more resources than the majority of people in the world have. I have the love of God along with my needs being met. I have a wonderful family and most of all the love of a great man.