Life is Beautiful

These days have been spent watching my grandson in the morning and spending afternoons walking my dog, obedience training, working out and sewing.  Everyday I feel better and better because of the drug therapy that I am receiving.  Fortunately my doctor sees my quite often to make sure that the medicine I have been prescribed is working.  

The hardest part of all of this is that I have suffered from anxiety since January and I have had to re-learn what is normal anxiety versus abnormal.  But, with May comes sunshine which is medicine in and of itself and I am feeling better each day and more like I used to feel.

The other hard part of this is that I have not felt at all like I have been as frugal as I could be.  When you don't feel well, you don't feel like making up a proper grocery list and such, but since it is just the two of us now, we are doing fine with what I have spent on groceries and eating out.  Yes, eating out.  The reason:  the side effects of the medications have suppressed my appetite to the point that I have lost a tremendous amount of weight.  In January I weighed 148 lbs.  This morning I weighed 132 lbs.  My thought is that with everything that I have been through there should be one positive thing that comes out of this.  I have to be careful though because with no appetite, I need to make sure that what I eat is good, wholesome and healthy food.  

I want to keep the weight off if at all possible so I am walking my grandson in a stroller a few miles a day and continuing to workout at Curves.   The result is that I can keep most of the weight off and the endorphins are also great medicine.  However, and I can't stress this enough, it would be easy for me to resort to an eating disorder if I am not careful.  I am being careful as I don't need to lose anymore weight.  My goal is to run a 5K perhaps this summer or in the fall.  I have always wanted to do that as my husband and sons have run, my daughter in law runs and I have never done it.  But if I don't feel like running a 5K there are always those 1 mile walks you can participate in.

Now I am busy getting ready for the busyness of summer.  Thankfully I am able to look forward to the future. We need to paint our house this year.  It has to be done.  But I am having great difficulty with the colors of the house.  Ten years ago we painted our Victorian house in a true color scheme.  Three shades of gold, three shades of green and 1 color of rust.  At my age I need to fine a simpler color scheme of 3 colors.

BUT - wait, wait, there is more.

We have made a decision to put in a vinyl privacy fence in our back yard.  Yes, that picket fence that I painted some 2 or was it 3 years ago, is rotting and we have come to the point that we need to make our lives easier if we continue to live in our house through retirement.  Saving up for this fence has been difficult while putting a child through college, but we have managed to do it.  However, the main reason for this purchase is just what it says:  privacy.  We live on a corner lot so our backyard is right next to the sidewalk that everyone walks by and looks in.  Our dog, Molly, runs the fence and people have been teasing her.  We are tired of it, so tomorrow I will visit with the City engineer to show our plans for where we will be placing the fence - about two feet in our yard from where the picket fence is and we will only be fencing in the back yard and not the side yards. .  In this way, the fence will be further away from the sidewalk (4 feet) and I can finally plant flowers in that area and in the side yards since they will be fenced off from our dog.

The other reason for the fence is that we are looking ahead to when our 3 month old grandson is walking and we can go outside and have the privacy that we need.  

The vinyl fence is white.  My house color scheme of golds, greens and rust will kind of funny next to a white fence so I have been busy trying to compile a yellow color scheme with some white accents.  

We have new neighbors that moved in next door to us in late December and when the husband saw us in the backyard measuring where the new fence was going in, he asked if his kids had been bothering us.  We assured him that no they hadn't but that this was in our 5 year plan of home improvements.  There kids are nice.

One other thing that has been interesting is that since we have gone to being Empty Nesters I have enjoyed the fact that we can eat whenever we want to eat supper, we can eat sandwiches if we want and we can finally have fish - something both my boys do not like.  

So, that is what is going on in my life.  Sorry I haven't posted much lately, but I have deliberately waited the 6 to 7 weeks it takes for my anti-depressant to kick in.  I am loving life again and ready to get back into my normal, daily routine of getting up, feeling positive about my life, my relationship with my family and God and ready to get projects done.

The Sickess I have ever been in my life

Here is a quick post and I will be posting more this week.  Three weeks ago I  began being weaned on Paxil, an anti depressant that I had taken in the past without any problems.  This time I had the most horrible side effects that I just thought I couldn't take it anymore.  For 11 days I suffered through anxiety and panic attacks that lasted for close to 18 hours a day.  I experienced total irrational thoughts and fears and I spent the majority of my time on the couch trying to sleep, trying to force myself to think rationally and basically just gripped in fear.  My husband took time off from work to be with me during that time and the wonderful ladies from my church brought food to our home.

Finally on the 11th day, a Saturday, I called my doctor and told him I just couldn't go on - not meaning I was going to kill myself - I just couldn't handle the stress of the side effects.  He immediately consulted with the Psychiatrist on call and I was taken off Paxil, given Valium and started on a different anti-depressant, Celexa.  Within 12 hours I was feeling wonderful and able to cope and actually feel happy again.

The best part was that the Celexa kicked in, without any side effects, the day I became a grandma - on February 27th. 

As I write this I am thinking of one word "Chemistry."  Yep, Chemistry.  That is what it is all about when it comes to our body and prescription medications.  The Celexa is working without my feeling sleepy - I am focused and while not euphoric, I am just plain happy and blessed and truly feel like I feel during the warm sunny summer months.

In the meantime I am loving my grandson and have enjoyed entering the life of grandparenthood.  

Taking it One Day at a Time

Yes, I know that these posts on mental health issues have nothing to do with Living on One Income or does it?  

I am into day 4 of being weaned on an anti-depressant and I have had the "joy" (tongue in cheek) of experiencing the side effects of anxiety and panic attacks.  I know it will get better as my body adjusts just as it did 2 years ago when I was on an anti-depressant for a year.  

So, frugally speaking, my anti-depressant falls into the $4.00 category at Wal-mart. I am seeing my general practitioner which is covered by my husband's health insurance and our insurance will cover the majority of it.  That's great for the budget.

However, this afternoon I made a decision that I needed to see a counselor.  Too much has gone on in my life and I think I have just been stuffing it down.  This is a big step for me as I am one of those kind of people that feels they can deal with and handle anything.  I am the nurturer, the caregiver, the one that wants to help people but forgets about herself.  

Does this sound familiar?  

I have filled out an appointment request form to meet with a local female psychologist who specializes in women's issues.  The cost is $175 for the first initial consult and $120 per 50 minute session.  How am I going to pay for this?  Well, this falls into the necessity category.  This is as important to me as food and water.  I need to do this.  My husband agrees.  I am sure that after the initial consult I will end up meeting with her once a month.  Bills have been paid off so instead of setting aside more money for home projects, I will be using some to pay for counseling.   But if we didn't have the money, I would use a credit card as this is definitely a necessity.

The sad part of this situation is that mental health is not covered as much as physical health on health insurance policies.  I would rather have appendicitis than this.  I don't want to go into a discussion about "Obamacare" here, as this has been true for years.  20 years ago ago I suffered from post partum depression after the birth of our youngest son.  I was unemployed at the time also.  My husband's health care insurance covered $25 of the $150 sessions with a psychiatrist who was monitoring me.  We had barely enough money to buy groceries so we paid for the bi-weekly sessions with a credit card.  It was a necessity as it is extremely difficult to handle life when you are crying from morning to evening.  It only took a couple of weeks on medication and I felt great.  Meeting with the psychiatrist helped in monitoring the meds and talking about any issues.  

So, I'll get down from my soap box.  I know that although the side effects that I am experiencing will subside in time, it is necessary to go beyond drug therapy to counseling.  And in the end dealing with issues now will mean a happier healthier me.  

Just when you think it's safe to go back into the water . . .

Depression rears it's ugly head.

Yep - started to recognize the signs over the weekend but was in denial.  Then I decided that just to be safe I should meet with my doctor to discuss how I was feeling.  I met with him for about 30 minutes and both of us agreed that an anti-depressant was needed.  Since I had been through this before I was able to get to the doctor sooner than I had the first time around.  This means that I won't have to suffer as long as I did the first time.  Start on the meds sooner, get relief sooner.

What a bummer.  I have been weaned off an anti-depressant for about a year now and I honestly thought I would be able to manage my mental health and well being without some added help.  But, that's okay and I now understand that.  

I'm not embarrassed by this  Actually I think that we need to be more open about this just as we would be open if we were suffering from a physical illness such as arthritis and diabetes.  

I did not have this problem until I entered my 50's, which is bringing me closer to menopause.  I was diagnosed with hypo-thyroidism 3 years ago and have found that I need to have my blood checked every few months to make sure that my thyroid medicine doesn't need to be increased.  In fact my doctor told me that he wouldn't be surprised if that is part of my problem right now.  I have learned that I am my own best judge on knowing my body.

One of the first symptoms of depression for me is the inability to let things go, to take one isolated incident and make it into something grander to the point that I keep playing that incident over and over in my mind and can't stop.   I become totally obsessed - OCD.  Usually it is something that makes me afraid to the point of being paralyzed with fear - totally irrational fear.  In a few weeks this is something that I will look back on and be completely puzzled by how I could have possibly felt this way.  But for now, it is real.   While anyone else would say oh well and move on, I can't.  Normally this is not a problem, but with the sun not shining for a long time, it being cold and having to be inside more, I was already feeling a little blue.  

A perfect storm was forming.

As I go through this illness, I find that there are certain times of the day that are harder than others. The mornings are wonderful for me and it is during those times that I can't believe that I feel the way I feel later in the day.  I almost feel "normal."  It is the mid afternoon that is hard for me.  Recognizing that, I try to schedule my mall walks and working out around those times.  If I don't feel like leaving the house, I spend time sewing or crafting which is something I like to do.  I am being careful about what I eat as I don't have much of an appetite so I am making sure that I am eating lots of protein and fruits and vegetables when I do feel like eating.

When I feel overwhelmed and anxious, feel like I will never get out of this hole, I sit down and take a deep breath.  I make a phone call to a dear relative or friend just to hear a voice of encouragement.  I have been taping some really good sermons from the t.v. to listen to when I am discouraged.  I recognize the things that I need to do to help move me along.  

The medication will kick in and I will start to feel wonderful again.  It is just a matter of time.  The best part of this situation is that I have a well stocked freezer and pantry so if I don't feel like grocery shopping, I don't have to.  It pays to be prepared.   

So I am on the mend and I will be posting again.  In the midst of all of this I have been sewing and making receiving blankets for my grand baby who is due to be born in a few weeks.  I find great relaxation in sewing and with what I am going through now, this baby may end up with a lot of hand sewn items from grandma.  

I love posting on this blog and for me not to post for a while, was a sign that some of you noticed and commented on.  You are some pretty smart people!


“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10).

Belated Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

First of all, I want to wish everyone a belated Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.  My youngest son asked me this afternoon if I had shut down my blog as I hadn’t posted anything since early December.  We had internet problems for a week and then after that problem was resolved, I decided to take a break from blogging over Christmas. 

I had the best Christmas I have had in three years.  What was the difference?  I scaled back on the decorating and the baking and the cooking.  The end result was less stress and more fun with family and time for reflection. 

The last two years I have faced depression that raised its ugly head in late November and came into full force in December.  In October of this year I resolved that I was going to do anything and everything to make sure it didn’t happen again this year. 

I do not suffer from chronic depression; but more of what you would refer to as Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder that leads to depression.  Knowing this, I decided to get out of the house and go for long walks in the fresh air with our labradoodle, Molly.  I walked anywhere from 2 to 3 miles in the morning which was a great way to start my day.  Then I made sure that I got to bed by 10:30 p.m. and I would sleep to 7:00 a.m.  In other words, I got exercise and sleep and I was taking better care of myself.  In the late afternoon when the darkness closed in, I worked more in my kitchen where I have lots of lighting.  There are lights over the sink, under the cabinets, over the stove and a big ceiling fan with lights in the middle of the room.   If I were to turn all of the lights on, it would be extremely bright and that is what I need some times. 

I am amazed that for me getting exercise in the great outdoors and getting enough sleep has worked wonders for me and my mood this winter.  I now realize that for the past few years I would just succumb to the expectation that during the winter this was going to happen and I just had to live with it.  Yes, a mild anti-depressant helped, but I didn’t like the side effects.  However, if I need an anti-depressant I would go back on one and live with the side effects and be happy rather than unmedicated and miserable.  Does this make sense?

I realize that not everyone can control depression with exercise and sleep but I have found that for me, this is working along with taking the time to read and do fun things that I enjoy.  I also think that having a plan beginning back in October has helped, recognizing the signs that I may be slipping into depression and knowing that if I need to I can call my doctor and get a prescription.

This week will test me.  We have scheduled an appointment on Wednesday January 2^nd to have our black lab put down. She is 12 ½ years old and has cancer and other problems.  It is time to say good bye to her.   I met with the veterinarian last week and wanted her to examine Griffey so we could make a decision.  The veterinarian told me that we shouldn’t take her on walks anymore because of her declining health.  This left sleeping and eating as the only thing the dog could really do.  This veterinarian has cared for Griffey since she was a puppy and she knows our dog.  Finally the vet looked at me and told me that the time had come to make the decision.  So, I decided that it would be best to wait until after New Year’s Day. 

What do you do when you have one week’s notice that you will be putting your dog down?  Well, you make her last days great days.  I have given her little bits of chocolate knowing that it doesn’t matter.  We have taken her for a car ride – something she has always loved and we have also taken her on walks – very slow ones.  I am hoping that on New Year’s day we will be able to take her out on the recreation trail that skirts around our community and let her smell the good country air. 

We will be with her at the end.  I’m not sure how our 10 month old labradoodle “Molly” is going to react to this.  She has always lived in a household that has another dog but we have no plans to replace Griffey.  Molly will just need to adjust somehow. 

I will always have a dog.  It is sad when you have to say goodbye to a family pet, but I would never let that prevent me from opening my heart to another pet.  We have owned some great dogs over the years and we have lots of wonderful memories of each dog. 

I don’t want to end this post on a sad note after all I have talked about depression and the death of a pet. 

I have been pondering about what I want to do in the year 2013.  The year 2012 just flew by and I didn’t really accomplish what I wanted to accomplish.   I was way too busy most of the time with stuff that really didn’t matter and I regret that. 

So what am I going to be doing?  Well, concentrating on making my house more of a home.  Back in 2008 I subscribed to a mentoring website called the Homemaker’s Mentor.  Two times a month I would receive e-lessons on homemaking.  I was working 50 plus hours a week at the time, but my heart always wanted to be home.  I subscribed to these lessons and knew the day would come when I would actually work on them.  In 2009 when I lost my job and stayed home, I thought that I would begin the lessons then since I was home full time.  But that year went by and I accomplished little.  I was too busy adjusting to being home and living on less money and while I wanted to get to those lessons it never seemed like I had the time.  The accompanying years of 2010 and 2011 seemed to be spent enjoying the last few years my youngest son would be home and they were also spent learning to live on less and volunteering my time at our church. 

In 2012 we had the two college girls living with us and it seemed that the urgent and day to day household tasks seemed to keep edging out those homemaking lessons.  The girls have moved out and back into the dorms.  Last week as I was cleaning the upstairs of our home I came across those lessons gathering dust on my desk and I decided then and there I would make the changes in my schedule in order to do those lessons that I knew I would enjoy. 

So the year 2013 is going to be spent on my homemaking skills.  I’ve shared before that my mother never taught me to really “keep house” and I struggle with keeping a household schedule of cleaning, baking and cooking.  I have always looked at the past – 1920’s to the 1950’s as the “homemaking” era when more women took pride in keeping their homes clean and relatively neat.  Women cared about sewing and making things last.  Yes for a lot of women they didn’t have the choice except to be  homemakers.  The beauty of my life is that I have the choice in what I want to do and this is the choice that I have made – to be a homemaker. 

I want to learn to crochet, take the time to sew more and improve my sewing skills.  I have closets to go through and re-organize, pictures to put into albums and some to be scrapbooked.  There are rooms that need painted and wood work to be stained.  There is a yard that needs to be seriously re-landscaped (I know nothing about this).  Yes, it is ambitious but it is everything that I want to do.  And I need to get on track with cleaning and I need help to know how to clean some things and to establish a regular cleaning schedule and upkeep schedule for our home.  This is how I want to spend my time. 

When I tell people this they look at me as if I have frogs coming out of my ears as more women feel that they were freed from the “bondage” of homemaking in order to have great careers away from home.  That’s fine for them but for me I want my second career to be in homemaking.   I am going to truly embrace homemaking in 2013 and will report on what lessons I am working on and how I am doing.

I hope that I can encourage other women to improve their skills in homemaking or learn new ones.  Let’s get back to homemaking and really take the time to make homemaking a priority.  After all, we all end up coming home sometime – let’s make it a welcoming and loving place to live.  Are you with me?      

I've Been Struggling - Emotionally

I've noticed over the past few weeks that it has been harder for me to post things on my blog. At first I thought it was because I had run out of ideas, but I now know that it is the result of a trauma that I experienced the first week in May. I just couldn't sit down and write. I couldn't even read a book or start sewing those aprons I had been wanting to sew.  I couldn't think straight and at times I was concerned that I was slipping into that ugly face of depression again.

In the past year I had stepped up to volunteer and was a volunteer staff member at an organization. I found it quite rewarding and I enjoyed helping people and feeling part of a team. In May, at a staff meeting, I was verbally attacked and the meeting lasted for 90 minutes. I sat silent for the majority of the time and I realized that I was shutting down emotionally to everything that was going on at the meeting. It was weird stuff such as “you interrupted me back in February when I was talking to someone.” In other words, it was not anything I had done, but it was the fact that I was not liked by some of the staff. In the end the manager stated that any emotions that had been directed at me should have been directed at him and that he supported me. But, you can’t take away the hurtful comments and the betrayal that had occurred during that meeting. I lost trust and faith in the “team” that I thought I had been a part of and I resigned shortly thereafter.

Time to move on, I thought, which is easier said than done. When you are part of something for 9 months and then it is gone, it is hard to find a new focus. I realize that now. I should have given myself time to heal, but I didn’t. I put my focus on earning/saving $100 a week and tried to forget the hurt that I had experienced. I’m a grown up and I can deal with rejection and I should be able to move on, but I couldn’t.

Last week my husband took the week off from work and we worked on household projects together. He insisted on going to the local bakery each day to pick up a sweet roll for our “coffee time.” We would sit on our deck and eat the treat while we sipped a cup of coffee and we enjoyed each other’s company. I noticed as each day came and went that I was starting to heal from the trauma and I was moving on. Perhaps it was being with my husband for a full week during the day and having the company that made me feel so much better about myself. We worked as a team to get done what we needed to get done.

I feel so much better and I now know that I was holding onto that “trauma” and I had not dealt with the hurt. I pushed it down deep and avoided dealing with the emotions because it was painful. Well, I have dealt with it. I feel so much better and now I am ready to get back to normal – whatever that is.

Need to Catch Up

I realized last night that I haven’t posted anything for a week. Last week is a blur. The week began with a doctor’s appointment. My left knee was causing me quite a bit of pain when I would kneel and put pressure on it. It wasn’t getting any better and had been this way for a few months. It was getting worse so I made the appointment hoping that the doctor would pronounce it a “sports injury.” After all if you are going to have an injured knee wouldn’t it be cool to say it happened by over exercising? No such luck. I injured it sometime in the past few months by bumping it and it had not healed properly. Somehow I would think that I would know if I had bumped it that hard. So now I need to do some rehab exercises and take an anti-inflammatory medicine that also causes me to be drowsy. Yuck. I hate that, but you have to do what you have to do.

I worked four days last week. On Tuesday I worked from 6:00 a.m. to 10:00 p.m. at the polls for Election day. I was exhausted. Then on Wednesday through Friday I worked for my friend at her Merle Norman store. She is in the middle of remodeling and there was a lot of work to be done. I exceeded my $100 a week earning/savings goal last week and earned $260 for my part time work. My friend wants me to work every Wednesday in her store and I would expect it would be for around 5 to 6 hours a week which suits me fine.

What else is going on? Depression. Yep. I realized last week that I have been having the “blues” which is mild Depression for me. I think what has led to it is that my life is a little overwhelming right now with responsibilities. We have our new puppy, Molly and she can be feisty especially early in the morning. She is housebroken now and we are spending time with her in obedience training. Molly is smart and by that I mean she is smart enough to know what pushes my buttons. We are working with her every day. Then there is our other dog, Griffey, who is towards the end of her life cycle and she has health issues. Add to all of this the extra people living with us and the household chores along with the home improvement projects and the stresses of dealing with finances and you have the recipe for being overwhelmed and depressed. 

So how am I dealing with it? First of all I am not taking an anti-depressant. I weaned myself off Paxil in February after we put our dog, Buddy, to sleep. I am choosing not to go on an anti-depressant for mild Depression. Instead I am learning to find ways to manage and live with it. At the top of my list is working out at Curves. I can’t believe how great I feel after working out. Working at my friend’s store on Wednesdays helps also. 

In dealing with Depression I know that I can’t let my days be subject to chance. I have to plan them. Today it is laundry, working out and having lunch with a friend. Then there is some cleaning that must be done. Tonight I will be ironing fabric so that I can get ready to lay a pattern out. Before I go to bed I will look ahead to tomorrow and plan what I want and need to do. It is a balance of work and play.

Let’s face it, even when you don’t suffer from Depression, you have your “down” days. Those are days when you aren’t happy and may feel a little low. Those days happen for me every day usually during the evening. How do I cope with evenings? I plan for them. If you know that you are going to feel depressed in the evening, then do something that you like to do. I spend my evenings reading books or watching a movie and spending time with my husband. 


However, if I feel my depression is going beyond mild, then I will of course call my doctor and get back on Paxil. I recognize what I can handle on my own and what I can’t. Life isn’t perfect and everyday isn’t filled with top of the mountain experiences. When I was on Paxil I was happy all the time, and that isn’t a bad thing, it’s just that I think I wasn’t coping with everyday life as I was too “drugged.” In my life, I need to experience the ups and the downs and be able to cope with both.