I've noticed over the past few weeks that it has been harder for me to post things on my blog. At first I thought it was because I had run out of ideas, but I now know that it is the result of a trauma that I experienced the first week in May. I just couldn't sit down and write. I couldn't even read a book or start sewing those aprons I had been wanting to sew. I couldn't think straight and at times I was concerned that I was slipping into that ugly face of depression again.
In the past year I had stepped up to volunteer and was a volunteer staff member at an organization. I found it quite rewarding and I enjoyed helping people and feeling part of a team. In May, at a staff meeting, I was verbally attacked and the meeting lasted for 90 minutes. I sat silent for the majority of the time and I realized that I was shutting down emotionally to everything that was going on at the meeting. It was weird stuff such as “you interrupted me back in February when I was talking to someone.” In other words, it was not anything I had done, but it was the fact that I was not liked by some of the staff. In the end the manager stated that any emotions that had been directed at me should have been directed at him and that he supported me. But, you can’t take away the hurtful comments and the betrayal that had occurred during that meeting. I lost trust and faith in the “team” that I thought I had been a part of and I resigned shortly thereafter.
Time to move on, I thought, which is easier said than done. When you are part of something for 9 months and then it is gone, it is hard to find a new focus. I realize that now. I should have given myself time to heal, but I didn’t. I put my focus on earning/saving $100 a week and tried to forget the hurt that I had experienced. I’m a grown up and I can deal with rejection and I should be able to move on, but I couldn’t.
Last week my husband took the week off from work and we worked on household projects together. He insisted on going to the local bakery each day to pick up a sweet roll for our “coffee time.” We would sit on our deck and eat the treat while we sipped a cup of coffee and we enjoyed each other’s company. I noticed as each day came and went that I was starting to heal from the trauma and I was moving on. Perhaps it was being with my husband for a full week during the day and having the company that made me feel so much better about myself. We worked as a team to get done what we needed to get done.
I feel so much better and I now know that I was holding onto that “trauma” and I had not dealt with the hurt. I pushed it down deep and avoided dealing with the emotions because it was painful. Well, I have dealt with it. I feel so much better and now I am ready to get back to normal – whatever that is.