June 24, 2012

I've Been Struggling - Emotionally

I've noticed over the past few weeks that it has been harder for me to post things on my blog. At first I thought it was because I had run out of ideas, but I now know that it is the result of a trauma that I experienced the first week in May. I just couldn't sit down and write. I couldn't even read a book or start sewing those aprons I had been wanting to sew.  I couldn't think straight and at times I was concerned that I was slipping into that ugly face of depression again.

In the past year I had stepped up to volunteer and was a volunteer staff member at an organization. I found it quite rewarding and I enjoyed helping people and feeling part of a team. In May, at a staff meeting, I was verbally attacked and the meeting lasted for 90 minutes. I sat silent for the majority of the time and I realized that I was shutting down emotionally to everything that was going on at the meeting. It was weird stuff such as “you interrupted me back in February when I was talking to someone.” In other words, it was not anything I had done, but it was the fact that I was not liked by some of the staff. In the end the manager stated that any emotions that had been directed at me should have been directed at him and that he supported me. But, you can’t take away the hurtful comments and the betrayal that had occurred during that meeting. I lost trust and faith in the “team” that I thought I had been a part of and I resigned shortly thereafter.

Time to move on, I thought, which is easier said than done. When you are part of something for 9 months and then it is gone, it is hard to find a new focus. I realize that now. I should have given myself time to heal, but I didn’t. I put my focus on earning/saving $100 a week and tried to forget the hurt that I had experienced. I’m a grown up and I can deal with rejection and I should be able to move on, but I couldn’t.

Last week my husband took the week off from work and we worked on household projects together. He insisted on going to the local bakery each day to pick up a sweet roll for our “coffee time.” We would sit on our deck and eat the treat while we sipped a cup of coffee and we enjoyed each other’s company. I noticed as each day came and went that I was starting to heal from the trauma and I was moving on. Perhaps it was being with my husband for a full week during the day and having the company that made me feel so much better about myself. We worked as a team to get done what we needed to get done.

I feel so much better and I now know that I was holding onto that “trauma” and I had not dealt with the hurt. I pushed it down deep and avoided dealing with the emotions because it was painful. Well, I have dealt with it. I feel so much better and now I am ready to get back to normal – whatever that is.

7 comments:

Debby said...

So glad you are feeling better about things. It is so hard to overcome things people say about us. Most of the time they are not even true, they are said in mean spirited anger just to make the other person feel better. I too shut down when mean things are being said, I don't want to be part of all the drama. Glad you and hubby had the time to enjoy each other and to heal your wounds, love works every time!!

HDNelson said...

Glad to hear things are on the mend! Recognizing the problem is half the problem, I think!

Vicki said...

Newbie here...I really enjoy your blogs and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you had your feelings hurt by some uncaring people. It hurts so much when you feel betrayed by people you trusted...=( It's good that you and your hubby were able to be together to figure out what was bothering you so you could work through it. =) I hope you're back up and running now...

Maureen said...

I know exactly where you are coming from because like you I shut down after a particularly bad row with my SIL (hubby's sister)
Now when we speak or meet up at family gatherings I am always waiting to be criticised, in fact I am waiting for the other shoe to fall as this arguement has never been resolved.

You seem to be on the mend now and I so envy you, my problems are compounded by the fact that her Mum lives with me and she offers very little support. So maybe there is no end to how we feel about one another, maybe this feeling will never go away...

Anonymous said...

I hate that happened to you. I have had a similar experience. For someone who is a 'people pleaser" like myself, it was devasting. I can't say I blame you for resigning. I probably would've done the same thing. Have you spoken with that person since then?
Glad to hear you are on the mend from that. Just goes to show that we all really need to watch not only what we say but how we say it.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on your job at the library. I have been an avid reader all my life so a job there would be fantastic. I work 30 hours per week now but I wish I could stay home. I have 5 grandchildren I would love to have more time with. I also have a husband who was diagnosed last year with leukemia. We have been devastated by it. I cannot tell you the depth of depression I have had. My Grandkids are my sunshine I am lucky to live very near them. I also understand your feelings being hurt as I am sensitive & I don't let things roll off as I should. I really enjoy your blog I check it everyday. You are encouraging & because of our situation I have to save every way I can. He is going to have to retire before 60 so he can concentrate on his health, please pray for us.

TX

Martha said...

@ anonymous in Texas - I will keep you and your family in my prayers.