The Sickess I have ever been in my life

Here is a quick post and I will be posting more this week.  Three weeks ago I  began being weaned on Paxil, an anti depressant that I had taken in the past without any problems.  This time I had the most horrible side effects that I just thought I couldn't take it anymore.  For 11 days I suffered through anxiety and panic attacks that lasted for close to 18 hours a day.  I experienced total irrational thoughts and fears and I spent the majority of my time on the couch trying to sleep, trying to force myself to think rationally and basically just gripped in fear.  My husband took time off from work to be with me during that time and the wonderful ladies from my church brought food to our home.

Finally on the 11th day, a Saturday, I called my doctor and told him I just couldn't go on - not meaning I was going to kill myself - I just couldn't handle the stress of the side effects.  He immediately consulted with the Psychiatrist on call and I was taken off Paxil, given Valium and started on a different anti-depressant, Celexa.  Within 12 hours I was feeling wonderful and able to cope and actually feel happy again.

The best part was that the Celexa kicked in, without any side effects, the day I became a grandma - on February 27th. 

As I write this I am thinking of one word "Chemistry."  Yep, Chemistry.  That is what it is all about when it comes to our body and prescription medications.  The Celexa is working without my feeling sleepy - I am focused and while not euphoric, I am just plain happy and blessed and truly feel like I feel during the warm sunny summer months.

In the meantime I am loving my grandson and have enjoyed entering the life of grandparenthood.  

Sewing - I forgot how much I enjoyed it.

My journey towards feeling better is finding ways to deal with the "icky" side effects of the anti-depressant.  Since I have been through this before, I know that these side effects will subside as my body adjusts to receiving the medication.  In the meantime, it is important for me to find things to do that bring me joy and keep the acute anxiety at bay.

As a side note, the side effects of acute anxiety and panic attacks are worse than the anxiety I was feeling when I chose to go on an anti-depressant.  So, why go through this?  Because I was uncomfortable living with the minor anxiety situations that I would blow out of proportion and find unable to move on.  I know that I have to walk through the fire before I feel the sunshine and it will be worth it.  

In the past week I have often thought about how a person would be able to deal with the side effects if they were alone and had no support system.  Thankfully if I need to reach out to someone on the telephone during the day, I can do that.  

In the midst of all of this I have been sewing.  The college girls that were living with us moved out in December and are back to living on campus.  So the room that used to be their room has once again been turned into a den.  This was our oldest son's bedroom when he was living with us.  The large closet in the room has been housing all of our coats and outerwear since we don't have a separate closet in our entryway for this purpose.  When the girls moved in my husband installed a metal bar in the basement to house all of our outerwear.  We have liked this arrangement so I decided to leave the coats in the basement and use this large closet for something that only a seamstress would enjoy.  

This is my sewing dream:  an entire closet dedicated to fabric, patterns and sewing notions.  I have been working on this this week as there is nothing better than re-directing anxiety into something useful.  It is a work in progress as I am not going to go out and buy a bunch of plastic bins until I know I need them.  I already had my fabric stored in plastic drawers and such and I am still using them.  

My sewing machine is set up on a typewriter table that has wheels on it and I can push it against a wall when not in use and then pull it away from the wall when I am ready to sew.  I had my husband and sons move the love seat from the living room into the den (had too much furniture in the living room anyway) and we have an old large entertainment center that we moved from the basement into that room.  I have a t.v. to watch or listen to while sewing, which can be nice company.  On that entertainment center there are several shelves (it stands about 5 1/2 feet high).  I have some fabric bins and am putting them on these shelves to put items into for storage.  I like these as you can't see through them, but there is room on the front to slide in a label to note what is in the bin.  

This room is located on the southwest corner of our house and it gets lots of sunshine in the afternoon which is a big plus.  

This week I have been concentrating on making flannel receiving blankets for my grand baby.  I purchased 1 1/2 length yards of fabric (44/45 inches in width).  This ends up making a nice square.  I have been sewing two pieces together, turning them inside out and top stitching a decorative stitch around the edge.  If you go and purchase a receiving blanket at a store, you will be greatly disappointed in the quality and size.  The size that I am making these will be plenty big to swaddle a baby.  

I have also been making burp clothes out of remnants of flannel that I have found on sale at a fabric store.  These are the bone shaped size burp cloths.

I will post pictures later of the room and the burp cloths and receiving blankets.

Taking it One Day at a Time

Yes, I know that these posts on mental health issues have nothing to do with Living on One Income or does it?  

I am into day 4 of being weaned on an anti-depressant and I have had the "joy" (tongue in cheek) of experiencing the side effects of anxiety and panic attacks.  I know it will get better as my body adjusts just as it did 2 years ago when I was on an anti-depressant for a year.  

So, frugally speaking, my anti-depressant falls into the $4.00 category at Wal-mart. I am seeing my general practitioner which is covered by my husband's health insurance and our insurance will cover the majority of it.  That's great for the budget.

However, this afternoon I made a decision that I needed to see a counselor.  Too much has gone on in my life and I think I have just been stuffing it down.  This is a big step for me as I am one of those kind of people that feels they can deal with and handle anything.  I am the nurturer, the caregiver, the one that wants to help people but forgets about herself.  

Does this sound familiar?  

I have filled out an appointment request form to meet with a local female psychologist who specializes in women's issues.  The cost is $175 for the first initial consult and $120 per 50 minute session.  How am I going to pay for this?  Well, this falls into the necessity category.  This is as important to me as food and water.  I need to do this.  My husband agrees.  I am sure that after the initial consult I will end up meeting with her once a month.  Bills have been paid off so instead of setting aside more money for home projects, I will be using some to pay for counseling.   But if we didn't have the money, I would use a credit card as this is definitely a necessity.

The sad part of this situation is that mental health is not covered as much as physical health on health insurance policies.  I would rather have appendicitis than this.  I don't want to go into a discussion about "Obamacare" here, as this has been true for years.  20 years ago ago I suffered from post partum depression after the birth of our youngest son.  I was unemployed at the time also.  My husband's health care insurance covered $25 of the $150 sessions with a psychiatrist who was monitoring me.  We had barely enough money to buy groceries so we paid for the bi-weekly sessions with a credit card.  It was a necessity as it is extremely difficult to handle life when you are crying from morning to evening.  It only took a couple of weeks on medication and I felt great.  Meeting with the psychiatrist helped in monitoring the meds and talking about any issues.  

So, I'll get down from my soap box.  I know that although the side effects that I am experiencing will subside in time, it is necessary to go beyond drug therapy to counseling.  And in the end dealing with issues now will mean a happier healthier me.  

Just when you think it's safe to go back into the water . . .

Depression rears it's ugly head.

Yep - started to recognize the signs over the weekend but was in denial.  Then I decided that just to be safe I should meet with my doctor to discuss how I was feeling.  I met with him for about 30 minutes and both of us agreed that an anti-depressant was needed.  Since I had been through this before I was able to get to the doctor sooner than I had the first time around.  This means that I won't have to suffer as long as I did the first time.  Start on the meds sooner, get relief sooner.

What a bummer.  I have been weaned off an anti-depressant for about a year now and I honestly thought I would be able to manage my mental health and well being without some added help.  But, that's okay and I now understand that.  

I'm not embarrassed by this  Actually I think that we need to be more open about this just as we would be open if we were suffering from a physical illness such as arthritis and diabetes.  

I did not have this problem until I entered my 50's, which is bringing me closer to menopause.  I was diagnosed with hypo-thyroidism 3 years ago and have found that I need to have my blood checked every few months to make sure that my thyroid medicine doesn't need to be increased.  In fact my doctor told me that he wouldn't be surprised if that is part of my problem right now.  I have learned that I am my own best judge on knowing my body.

One of the first symptoms of depression for me is the inability to let things go, to take one isolated incident and make it into something grander to the point that I keep playing that incident over and over in my mind and can't stop.   I become totally obsessed - OCD.  Usually it is something that makes me afraid to the point of being paralyzed with fear - totally irrational fear.  In a few weeks this is something that I will look back on and be completely puzzled by how I could have possibly felt this way.  But for now, it is real.   While anyone else would say oh well and move on, I can't.  Normally this is not a problem, but with the sun not shining for a long time, it being cold and having to be inside more, I was already feeling a little blue.  

A perfect storm was forming.

As I go through this illness, I find that there are certain times of the day that are harder than others. The mornings are wonderful for me and it is during those times that I can't believe that I feel the way I feel later in the day.  I almost feel "normal."  It is the mid afternoon that is hard for me.  Recognizing that, I try to schedule my mall walks and working out around those times.  If I don't feel like leaving the house, I spend time sewing or crafting which is something I like to do.  I am being careful about what I eat as I don't have much of an appetite so I am making sure that I am eating lots of protein and fruits and vegetables when I do feel like eating.

When I feel overwhelmed and anxious, feel like I will never get out of this hole, I sit down and take a deep breath.  I make a phone call to a dear relative or friend just to hear a voice of encouragement.  I have been taping some really good sermons from the t.v. to listen to when I am discouraged.  I recognize the things that I need to do to help move me along.  

The medication will kick in and I will start to feel wonderful again.  It is just a matter of time.  The best part of this situation is that I have a well stocked freezer and pantry so if I don't feel like grocery shopping, I don't have to.  It pays to be prepared.   

So I am on the mend and I will be posting again.  In the midst of all of this I have been sewing and making receiving blankets for my grand baby who is due to be born in a few weeks.  I find great relaxation in sewing and with what I am going through now, this baby may end up with a lot of hand sewn items from grandma.  

I love posting on this blog and for me not to post for a while, was a sign that some of you noticed and commented on.  You are some pretty smart people!


“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10).

Belated Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

First of all, I want to wish everyone a belated Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.  My youngest son asked me this afternoon if I had shut down my blog as I hadn’t posted anything since early December.  We had internet problems for a week and then after that problem was resolved, I decided to take a break from blogging over Christmas. 

I had the best Christmas I have had in three years.  What was the difference?  I scaled back on the decorating and the baking and the cooking.  The end result was less stress and more fun with family and time for reflection. 

The last two years I have faced depression that raised its ugly head in late November and came into full force in December.  In October of this year I resolved that I was going to do anything and everything to make sure it didn’t happen again this year. 

I do not suffer from chronic depression; but more of what you would refer to as Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder that leads to depression.  Knowing this, I decided to get out of the house and go for long walks in the fresh air with our labradoodle, Molly.  I walked anywhere from 2 to 3 miles in the morning which was a great way to start my day.  Then I made sure that I got to bed by 10:30 p.m. and I would sleep to 7:00 a.m.  In other words, I got exercise and sleep and I was taking better care of myself.  In the late afternoon when the darkness closed in, I worked more in my kitchen where I have lots of lighting.  There are lights over the sink, under the cabinets, over the stove and a big ceiling fan with lights in the middle of the room.   If I were to turn all of the lights on, it would be extremely bright and that is what I need some times. 

I am amazed that for me getting exercise in the great outdoors and getting enough sleep has worked wonders for me and my mood this winter.  I now realize that for the past few years I would just succumb to the expectation that during the winter this was going to happen and I just had to live with it.  Yes, a mild anti-depressant helped, but I didn’t like the side effects.  However, if I need an anti-depressant I would go back on one and live with the side effects and be happy rather than unmedicated and miserable.  Does this make sense?

I realize that not everyone can control depression with exercise and sleep but I have found that for me, this is working along with taking the time to read and do fun things that I enjoy.  I also think that having a plan beginning back in October has helped, recognizing the signs that I may be slipping into depression and knowing that if I need to I can call my doctor and get a prescription.

This week will test me.  We have scheduled an appointment on Wednesday January 2^nd to have our black lab put down. She is 12 ½ years old and has cancer and other problems.  It is time to say good bye to her.   I met with the veterinarian last week and wanted her to examine Griffey so we could make a decision.  The veterinarian told me that we shouldn’t take her on walks anymore because of her declining health.  This left sleeping and eating as the only thing the dog could really do.  This veterinarian has cared for Griffey since she was a puppy and she knows our dog.  Finally the vet looked at me and told me that the time had come to make the decision.  So, I decided that it would be best to wait until after New Year’s Day. 

What do you do when you have one week’s notice that you will be putting your dog down?  Well, you make her last days great days.  I have given her little bits of chocolate knowing that it doesn’t matter.  We have taken her for a car ride – something she has always loved and we have also taken her on walks – very slow ones.  I am hoping that on New Year’s day we will be able to take her out on the recreation trail that skirts around our community and let her smell the good country air. 

We will be with her at the end.  I’m not sure how our 10 month old labradoodle “Molly” is going to react to this.  She has always lived in a household that has another dog but we have no plans to replace Griffey.  Molly will just need to adjust somehow. 

I will always have a dog.  It is sad when you have to say goodbye to a family pet, but I would never let that prevent me from opening my heart to another pet.  We have owned some great dogs over the years and we have lots of wonderful memories of each dog. 

I don’t want to end this post on a sad note after all I have talked about depression and the death of a pet. 

I have been pondering about what I want to do in the year 2013.  The year 2012 just flew by and I didn’t really accomplish what I wanted to accomplish.   I was way too busy most of the time with stuff that really didn’t matter and I regret that. 

So what am I going to be doing?  Well, concentrating on making my house more of a home.  Back in 2008 I subscribed to a mentoring website called the Homemaker’s Mentor.  Two times a month I would receive e-lessons on homemaking.  I was working 50 plus hours a week at the time, but my heart always wanted to be home.  I subscribed to these lessons and knew the day would come when I would actually work on them.  In 2009 when I lost my job and stayed home, I thought that I would begin the lessons then since I was home full time.  But that year went by and I accomplished little.  I was too busy adjusting to being home and living on less money and while I wanted to get to those lessons it never seemed like I had the time.  The accompanying years of 2010 and 2011 seemed to be spent enjoying the last few years my youngest son would be home and they were also spent learning to live on less and volunteering my time at our church. 

In 2012 we had the two college girls living with us and it seemed that the urgent and day to day household tasks seemed to keep edging out those homemaking lessons.  The girls have moved out and back into the dorms.  Last week as I was cleaning the upstairs of our home I came across those lessons gathering dust on my desk and I decided then and there I would make the changes in my schedule in order to do those lessons that I knew I would enjoy. 

So the year 2013 is going to be spent on my homemaking skills.  I’ve shared before that my mother never taught me to really “keep house” and I struggle with keeping a household schedule of cleaning, baking and cooking.  I have always looked at the past – 1920’s to the 1950’s as the “homemaking” era when more women took pride in keeping their homes clean and relatively neat.  Women cared about sewing and making things last.  Yes for a lot of women they didn’t have the choice except to be  homemakers.  The beauty of my life is that I have the choice in what I want to do and this is the choice that I have made – to be a homemaker. 

I want to learn to crochet, take the time to sew more and improve my sewing skills.  I have closets to go through and re-organize, pictures to put into albums and some to be scrapbooked.  There are rooms that need painted and wood work to be stained.  There is a yard that needs to be seriously re-landscaped (I know nothing about this).  Yes, it is ambitious but it is everything that I want to do.  And I need to get on track with cleaning and I need help to know how to clean some things and to establish a regular cleaning schedule and upkeep schedule for our home.  This is how I want to spend my time. 

When I tell people this they look at me as if I have frogs coming out of my ears as more women feel that they were freed from the “bondage” of homemaking in order to have great careers away from home.  That’s fine for them but for me I want my second career to be in homemaking.   I am going to truly embrace homemaking in 2013 and will report on what lessons I am working on and how I am doing.

I hope that I can encourage other women to improve their skills in homemaking or learn new ones.  Let’s get back to homemaking and really take the time to make homemaking a priority.  After all, we all end up coming home sometime – let’s make it a welcoming and loving place to live.  Are you with me?      

Coming out of the fog . . .

I started being weaned off Paxil last week and today I noticed that I am thinking more clearly, have more energy and I feel as if I am getting my old self back.  That is good. 

I took a couple more days off from blogging as I was experiencing some side effects of withdrawal.  It wasn't really that bad, but I was glad to be home so that I could nap whenever I needed to. 

Yesterday I had a major cooking disaster.  I baked 8 dozen homemade blueberry muffins for my husband's cross country team.  My recipe calls for 1 cup of fresh or frozen blueberries per dozen.  I was in the kitchen happily baking these muffins, sprinkling the tops with a cinnamon sugar mixture and then baking them.  By the time I was ready to make supper, the muffins were done and cooling on the counter.

I'm not sure why, but I decided to take a couple of muffins and set them on the table for supper.  It is a good thing I did as I measured the wrong amount of baking powder for those muffins - by the wrong amount, I put in too much.  Those were the worst tasting muffins I have ever put in my mouth.  As soon as I bit into the muffins it tasted like a mouthful of baking powder and they sucked my mouth dry.  I couldn't even swallow them. 

So, 8 dozen beautiful looking bursting with blueberries muffins were dumped in a garbage bag and put in the trash.  There was no way to resurrect anything like that.  Ugh, I can still taste those muffins just thinking about them.

After supper I baked 8 dozen more blueberry muffins and they turned out fine.  I think I went wrong with the first 8 dozen by trying to watch a movie while I was measuring.  Next time, I will definitely be more careful as this was an expensive mistake. 

The weather has already turned cold and we have had frost warnings.  On Monday I had the air conditioning on and last night I turned on my electric blanket to get the bed warm.  This weather is ridiculous but it does put you in the mood for homemade soup or chili. 

The economic news has not been good for a long time.  It's starting to wear on me.  The only good thing has been that in our area they have really been running a lot of sales to get people into the stores.  For the past 3 months I have received a coupon from JC Penney for $10 off an item valued at $10 or more.  I have been using these coupons to buy anything that is close to $10 so I am not spending extra money.  I can always find something on clearance that I can use or buy for a present for someone else.

Other things that have been going on in my life is that I've been planning the meals that I help cook for our youth group when they meet on Sunday evenings.  We have to keep our costs down as much as possible and so far we have been doing pretty good. It can be a challenge but the one thing that I am finding out, is that these kids like home cooked food.  In a couple of weeks my helper, Marcia, and I are going to make homemade baked mac and cheese.  Velveeta has been on sale for only $3.99 for a 2 lb. block and macaroni was on sale this week for only 66 cents for a 1 lb. package.  We are cooking for around 60 (hopefully the numbers will increase) so that is going to be a cheap main dish for us.

I like when the weather turns cool, but it is about a month early for us.  So, what has the weather been like "in your neck of the woods?"

Where have I been?

Well I haven't blogged for a few days and it seems along the way I lost 2 followers.  But I don't blog just to see my followers list increase, I blog to see if there are like minded people out there like me and what I can learn from them and perhaps they can learn from me.

I have been in what I refer to as a little bit of a "funk" the past few days and have been so tired that I have spent most of my time resting.  I have been on Paxil since the end of December and it causes me to be tired the majority of the time but more so than ever.  

I take it in the morning so a few weeks ago I tried to take it before bedtime and I noticed no difference in being tired all day long.  Then I tried going to bed at 10:00 p.m. and not 11:00 p.m., sleeping in another hour to gain in total 2 hours of sleep per night.  I was still needing to lie down in the middle of the day for at least a 1 hour nap.

I decided that being sleepy outweighed having OCD and Depression so I called my doctor to see about being weaned off of it.  The nurse asked me twice if I was sure and I said yes.  Then I was doubtful especially when family members said that I appeared happier and better able to cope with life in general when I was taking an anti-depressant.  So, I changed my decision and I am sticking with Paxil.

This has led me to try different ways to get more rest.  Perhaps the problem is trying to experiment with my sleep cycle in order to find what best works for me.  In the end I made the decision that if I need 10 to 12 hours of sleep per day in order to feel rested and get done what needs to me done, then so be it.  It is better to get more rest than to try to go through the day with not enough sleep, yawning and constantly tired and not feeling like I have the energy to do anything at all.

So my schedule is that I am in bed by 10:30 at night and I do my best to stay in bed until 7:30 in the morning.  Then I get up and eat my breakfast, read the paper and then take a 1 hour nap.  By that time it is 9:00 a.m. and I am ready to shower and such and be ready to face the day by 10:00 a.m.  Then I am good until bedtime. 

At first I could only see that it takes me to 10:00 in the morning to actually be ready for doing housework and such, but now I view it as being totally rested and able to get more done than being tired all day long as I was before. 

My family is right.  I am better able to cope with my life and being weaned off Paxil may not be the best for me right now especially when there is the fear that old behavior such as OCD could creep back into my life robbing me of my joy.

So, that's what has been going on in the past few days and I will be back to blogging tonight, after I get some cleaning done. 

We will continue looking at the Tightwad Gazette III and then I have some budget information to share with you that I have been working on over the past few weeks along with my feelings about the current economy and what I feel all of us need to not worry about, but be prepared for. 

So, there you have it.  Have a wonderful Saturday and I will be back this evening with more to share - how about a little teaser - my $37.50 per week food budget for the next few months and the need to prepare for the future more than ever.